I’ve been wanting to write a diary of sorts as a means to clear my head of these feelings. I think it will be good if I put it out here, maybe it will bring strength to others. If you don’t care for my story, then just use your downvote and move on. I think this is going to be pretty long, and fucked up. I commend those willing to travel into my psyche, but its not for the weak hearted. Here it goes…
I am a chronic masturbator. Fuck, that sounds really harsh, but its true. I can actually still remember the first time I whacked off. I had just gotten home from my final day of 7th grade. Don’t quite know how I got there, but I found myself surfing porn pics on out 56k modem. I remember the ecstasy I felt I as did it, coming all over the floor, passing out in a pile of my own sweat. “This is why sex is so awesome” I told myself. This was the best feeling ever, why wouldn’t I want to do this. Like many teenagers, my angst was quelled by the joy of internet porn.
In 9th grade I got my first girlfriend, and after a few months finally felt what it was like to have someone else tug at my rod. She was a year younger, and just as inexperienced at sex. But with the wonders of the internet I had already had my innocence shattered. We never went past hand jobs/fingering before stupid shit led us to break up, but I had finally had a taste of what someone else could do to please me sexually. It was better, but having a taste of sexual pleasure led me to fill that void by fapping more. I wasn’t the only one my age to be feeling this. Just recently I remembered a friend of mine and I used to watch porn together on the computer, then one of us would go into the bathroom to whack off while the other did it as the computer. We were both 100% straight I only realize how fucked up that is now.
around Jr. year of High school is where it started to go bad beyond typical teenage exploration. I started exploring beyond the mainstays of erotic solo/couple/lesbian porn. Once I found out about Kazaa and all of the free shit I could find on the internet, my tastes changed. I found myself getting videos of Fisting, Pissing, BDSM, and other gross porn. I had never even had a blowjob and I was fantasizing about the most disgusting, demoralizing sex acts possible. Hell, there was even a point that I was downloading CP! Keep in mind that this was all on the family computer. My dad and brother saw the CP and other shit and reamed me out for it. Dad even brought it up at a dinner party at a family friends house. I think I lied and told them that I friend and I challenged each other to DL it as a dare, because for some reason that would be better than admitting I was masturbating to 14 year old girls on the internet. I was 16, so it couldn’t have been bad (at least that was the argument I was making in my head). I was up to ~15-20 faps/week. …
more via The Diary of a Chronic Masturbator. Warning LONG : NoFap.