I’m proud. Solosexual. Happy for most part. But some of my most pathetic sessions began during 2018. I was constantly thinking about close friends, crushes. Thinking about snorting with Amy! My favourite substance bonding dream was a full night with her. Just us. Very intimate. Tactile. Naked or at least in underwear. Me in boxers. Her in panties/bra set… wouldn’t hurt to be lingerie style with those colour accents
I say “was” favourite bonding dream, but still is… honestly. I just confessed it most during that 2017 or 2018 years. It’s not fair to say she rejected me but I was so into the hope we one day would, should and had to do it together. I called it a fantasy. The fact it wasn’t happening due to $$$, circumstance, appeared to make her lose interest. So I leant more on Emma to confess my regular weekly and monthly sessions to! Emma let me email her. At one point she was openly encouraging them. Allowing my brain to dump it’s vanilla and/or perverted contents in them. Our friendship was already deep and we both said it had no limits to what we could express. The love we share that, yes, is platonic. But we still did intimate acts physically. Snuggling. Foot rubs. Head scratches. Said things. Open expression was fostered in the connection!
So the point when she revoked that was obviously painful. Didn’t see it coming from her. I couldn’t believe she wasn’t of her word and didn’t understand how I was upset from the stark change. The rejection turned to coping with complex feelings and chronic masturbation. In coming months and even years extreme arousal attached to her and our past, rejection and the most loser pathetic urges ever. She brought out that fetish part of me that was hidden down. And I’ve been shy to try really opening up to anyone else. Even if I feel dominant towards, like Amy, ever since…