Shameful masturbator

a masturbator wrote: 

Hello, everybody.  i’ve just joined the group and so i wanted to
introduce myself to you all.  i apologize if you find it too long, but
since this is a group for confessions, and i think you more than anyone
else would appreciate what i’m feeling, i want to reveal everything
here.  And be assured that my pants are unzipped and that between every
paragraph, i’m stroking and pumping myself.

i’ve been a fan of “The Peter Files” for many years; they were one of
the first erotica i ever read online, and i’ve been unable to get them
out of my head ever since because they aroused something in my
imagination in a primal way (having the same first name as the
protagonist made it extra-exciting).  i’ve read a lot of erotica since
then, but i’ve found very few stories out there that really seemed to
fundamentally understand the nature of my addiction and what aroused me
about it.  Seeing masturbation as a shameful act, something that only
the truly pathetic engage in with any regularity (not to mention getting
addicted to it) is at the core of my fetish.  The notion of just doing
it without feeling shame or embarrassment about it…well, such a view
actually makes it less exciting for me.  i’ll explain that in a moment.
Right now i can only think of a couple of other stories i’ve read that
have impacted me as much as they did (the “Humiliated by Mommy” stories
being the other series, if anyone’s seen those before).  i kept looking
up those stories to masturbate to, my favorites being “The Party”,
“Molly Does The Milking”, and “Spanking Salon”.  So that’s how i found
out about this group.

i’ve always linked humiliation and eroticism in my mind, ever since i
was a kid.  i distinctly remember a cartoon short on “Sesame Street” in
which a boy wearing overalls was carrying a barrel.  He noticed some
baby birds that had fallen out of a nest, so he put the barrel down and
picked up the birds, putting them back in their nest in a tree.  Then,
when he bent over to pick up his barrel again, the buttons on his
overalls popped off and his overalls fell down, baring his bottom.  He
looked over his shoulder at his exposed bottom, looking so awkward and
embarrassed.  For whatever reason, this sparked a sort of sexual
awareness in me.  That image/predicament would be incorporated into my
favorite masturbation fantasies for years to come.

i also was always fascinated with lycra, spandex, panties – any clothing
that was skintight and traditionally feminine captured my imagination.
i’m not totally sure why; maybe it has something to do with developing
puberty during the 80s, during the aerobics craze when it seemed like
every sexy woman was wearing leotards and tights.  i remember being at
summer camp, in the showers with another guy (they were big
locker-room-style showers, so it was nothing intimate).  We were both
talking about a girl we liked.  He began to describe how she looked at
the swimming pool that day, and began to talk about what it would be
like to meet her there at night.  i joined in this primitive roleplay
session, also being attracted to that girl.  But while he talked about
having sex with her, i talked about how exciting it would be if i wore
her one-piece swimsuit.  It’s funny to think about that memory now,
because we were at an age when everything was just *sexual*, nothing
seemed to have any particular meaning attached to it (“That means you’re
gay.  That means you’re bisexual.  That means you’re a fetishist.”
Etc.).  He didn’t even bat an eye at my perverted confessions.  i think
he was just pleased that we could both partake in this imaginary affair
without me trying to steal the girl away.

A few years later, i made a Halloween costume of a superhero, which had
tights and a leotard as its basis.  After Halloween, when my parents
were gone, i would put on my tights and leotard and play superhero.
There was always an erotic edge to this play – i would imagine being
captured by a supervillainess who would strap me to a table and threaten
to peel off my tights.  i would simulate this by lying on the bathroom
floor and lightly tickling my fingertips over the little bulge of my
erection, slowly and tantalizingly tugging at the elastic leg-holes of
the leotard crotch, pulling it tight up between my buttocks like a
wedgie/thong, and so on.  i also flirted with exhibitionism, urging
myself to go outside in my “superhero costume”.  One night i put my
costume on and got as far as a friend’s house about a half-mile away
before running home.  Even though i lived in a rural area, i still had
to run off the road and hide in the trees whenever i saw a car’s
headlights approaching.  While i was mostly fantasizing about being a
superhero, i know i had a strong subconscious sexual motivation to the
entire thing.

i didn’t start actually masturbating until i was a freshman in high
school.  i had resisted the idea until then because i had grown up with
the idea that it was something deeply shameful.  When they wanted to
insult someone, the other boys in school would often accuse that person
of jerking off.  i got the idea that if you did it, you would become
unpopular and people would think you were pathetic.  It most certainly
meant no girl would ever want to date you.

i had a friend (an attractive female friend, no less) whose father would
give me posters from the car shows he would go to.  They were girly
posters – sexy women wearing skimpy little outfits, bikinis, and such,
posing suggestively over cars and engine parts.  i posted them all over
my bedroom.  There was one poster in particular – this one
<http://tpowis.net/media/albums/Swimsuit/Bikinis/swim-litegirls-p.jpg>
– that truly excited me.  One of the girls looked like a girl i went to
school with, but even more exciting to me than that was the fact that
the girls on the poster all seemed to be grinning and laughing.  In my
imagination, i put myself in the scene: standing in front of these
bikini-clad women, probably shorter than them (i wasn’t very tall in
high school), forced to wear an outfit exactly like theirs (crop-top
t-shirt, high-cut bikini bottoms and wide belt) while my shameful
erection bobbed excitedly against the cruelly skintight bikini bottoms i
wore.  This mental image haunted me, refusing to leave my imagination,
and i idly began to tickle my penis through my pants.  i suddenly
realized that i was on the verge of *masturbating*.  i wondered to
myself for a moment if i really wanted to cross that line, to lose my
masturbation virginity.  Finally, the teasing caresses of my own
fingertips convinced me that i would try it, just to see what it was
like.

i went into the bathroom and began to pump my penis back and forth.  i
knew that this was how it was done, because of the hand gestures the
other boys would use to shame their rivals.  Along with the image in the
poster, i started to fantasize about two girls i knew at school.  They
were definitely not considered the hottest girls, so i would have been
embarrassed to admit to any of the guys that they turned me on.  One
girl was a redhead with a bit of acne, and the other girl was a really
tall blonde with barely-there breasts but really full bottom and thighs.
Both of them had full bottoms, now that i think of it.  i imagined
seeing them wearing skintight, embarrassing bunny costumes – like pink
colored footie pajamas, but too small for them so that they were nearly
skintight.  They also had a flap buttoned up over their bottoms, like
the old-timey long johns you see in westerns.  Suddenly, like in the
“Sesame Street” cartoon, when they bent over in their costumes,  the
buttons on those flaps would pop off from the strain of trying to keep
their generous derrieres covered, and their bottoms would be bared for
all to see.

This was enough to push me over the edge.  i didn’t know then that
you’re supposed to keep pumping yourself as you ejaculate, so i let go
of my penis right as i felt myself beginning to climax.  i still
ejaculated, but it was extremely painful.  i nearly blacked out from the
overwhelming sensation as semen drip-drip-dripped from the tip of my
penis into the toilet.  i was filled with shame at what i’d done.

But i was also addicted.  By the third time i tried it, i kept on
pumping all the way through, and realized that masturbation, as
pleasurable as it had been before, was even better.  With the exception
of a few days here and there, when i tried to break my habit, i’ve been
masturbating every day since that day over ten years ago.  On average, i
masturbate three times a day: when i first wake up, sometime in the
middle of the day (usually a bathroom break or wherever i can fit it in,
which has led to masturbation in many public places), and before i go to
bed.

i’m a chronic masturbator.  It has always been my favorite form of sex.
i love having sex with women, but i don’t think i could ever give up
masturbating, even though i know i should, since it’s so self-oriented
and detracts from my lovemaking ability.  One of my last girlfriends
loved to see me masturbate, so i would stroke myself while holding her
against my body.  It was wonderful.  i even got her to engage in some
humiliatrix behavior a few times, though she didn’t really enjoy that
part very much, and i think it was one reason we eventually broke up.
Even in my fantasies, masturbation figures prominently – either being
caught doing it, being forced to do it, or someone else doing it to me.

i’ve developed countless masturbation fantasies, some of them very
elaborate and kinky to me, though i’m sure a lot of people would think
they were just weird.  i’ve connected with a few people in sex chatrooms
and enjoyed developing my fantasies further with them, but it seems like
very few people really seem to “get” all of the stuff that turns me on.
Many of my fantasies involve people i know or have known in real life,
which makes it more exciting to me.  One of my favorite
<http://www.cute-sandy.com/>   online models
<http://www.princess-fatale.com/>   is my favorite because she reminds
me so much of someone i know.  Other inspirations have included fairy
tales and mythology, comic books, and of course porn and fetish sites.
i am aroused by numerous fetishes and taboos.

But the one unifying theme that all of my fantasies have in common is
the idea of being humiliated sexually by women i find attractive.  These
fantasies may start out like the average porn film, where i see a sexy
girl and she flirts with me, but by the end, i’m utterly humiliated,
proven to be sexually inadequate, a perverted sissy with a laughable
masturbation habit.  Though i’ve been told i’m of average size in real
life, i love to fantasize that my penis is small, giving women another
reason to make fun of me and deny me the dignity of proving my
questionable manhood by having Real Sex.  This also gives them reason to
want to put me into panties or some other effeminate outfit (one-piece
swimsuits are another favorite of mine), since i’m obviously not man
enough to wear men’s underwear.  When they see that wearing such outfits
only arouse me further, they have even more reason to see me humiliated,
preferably in front of their mocking friends.  Feeling emasculated is a
big part of my jerk-off fantasies…

i have so many more things i think i’d enjoy telling you, but i’m going
to stop now in case i’m boring you (i know not all of you are into
crossdressing, for example).  i’m also going to stop because thinking of
all these things has made me helplessly horny, and my betraying penis is
demanding that i cum messily all over myself.

– peter