Wherein Peter shops for his first humpsuit, enjoys close personal attention from saleslady and yoga instructor, and leaves fully satisfied by his purchase.
The Humpsuit
by Richard Lovel, copyright 2025
Editor’s Introduction: Chronic masturbators are not relieved of the male’s instinctive urge to thrust and penetrate. Even virgins and the sexually incompetent, though lacking personal experience with intercourse, are not free from this innate drive. Manual stimulation fails to satisfy the thrusting instinct, and may even accentuate it by omission. Thus many masturbators supplement manualism with “humping” activities in which they simulate sexual intercourse with inanimate objects such as couches, pillows, or inflatable objects. The “humpsuit”, originally created by the fashion industry to meet the active-wear requirements of alpha males, is now offered in a variation specifically tailored for simulated intercourse. Non-copulators have adopted it enthusiastically.
Peter slunk nervously through the upscale shopping mall, weaving past sleek designer boutiques and trendy fashion stores, painfully self-conscious with the thought of what he was seeking, and for what purpose. He was heading to Cocked ‘N Ready, an elegant but daring clothier renowned for its provocative collection of men’s intimate leisure wear. At last he spotted the notorious stylized logo suggesting the shape of male genitalia and, glancing around furtively to make certain no one he knew was witness, quickly ducked inside the store.
His heart pounded as he wandered through the aisles, directionless and overwhelmed. Rows of risqué men’s underwear, silk dressing gowns, edgy leather chaps, and thong bathing suits filled his vision, each boasting a bold and sensual style he dared not imagine owning. Did men actually wear these aggressively provocative garments in front of other people? What manly pride and confident sexuality would that require? He was seeking something far more specific for his particular needs. Something that wouldn’t necessitate the challenging encounters with a sexual partner implied by the displayed items. Something tailored to a chronic, pussy-free masturbator.
An elegant and stylish saleswoman, adorned in a sleek, gray-tinged ensemble, approached him. Her entire presence exuded authority and sophistication, from the impeccable cut of her blazer to the silver strands in her chic bob haircut. With refined courtesy and a tone that was both professional and soothing, she introduced herself. “Good afternoon, I am Mrs. Rosemont. How may I assist you, sir?”
Peter stumbled over his words, his face growing hot with embarrassment as he replied, “I’m looking for a…a suit for…”
Mrs. Rosemont suggested confidentially, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper, “A humpsuit, sir? Of course. I’ll be glad to help the gentleman with that. Our fall/winter line has just arrived, perfect for keeping one hot on cold winter nights. If the gentleman will just step this way, into the Humporium.”
Her discretion and matter-of-factness, rather than easing Peter’s mind, made him all the more aware of his awkward predicament. He sensed she could see right through him, directly to the crux of his inadequacies. Swallowing hard, he followed as she guided him to a private section of the store, where the lighting was gentler and more intimate, casting soft shadows. Spotlighted tableaus of male mannequins modeled varying styles of humpsuits.
The suits were made from smooth, stretchy materials and boasted trendy designs, patterns, and colors that highlighted rather than hid the wearer’s form. Much like yoga attire, they clung to every curve and contour of the male body with startling accuracy. Some suits were one-piece, a seamless, full-body unitard offering a sleek and snug fit, while others looked like golf shorts, extending only from the waist to the knees. Most surprising were the suits’ strategically placed cut-outs and straps that boldly revealed and emphasized the wearer’s exposed genitalia, making the male anatomy the focal point of the outfit. Most mannequins displayed full erections, with their exaggerated sexual organs leaving no doubt about what these suits were designed to showcase and enhance.
Mrs. Rosemont explained, “We have two distinct styles of humpsuit, tailored to meet the needs of different types of customers. These displays feature the AlphaMax line, designed for confident and energetic gentlemen for use during intimate activities with partners. The AlphaMax showcases the masculine assets and presents them for action. Adjustable straps hold the shaft at optimal angles during penetrative or oral activities.”
She guided Peter’s attention to a mannequin set apart from the others, positioned in a dim corner of the room to highlight its subdued presence. In contrast to the bold and assertive designs of the AlphaMax collection, this mannequin wore a hump suit in a dull, inconspicuous brown, exuding a sense of shyness and quiet inadequacy. The suit’s bashful demeanor resonated with him, its aura of self-doubt striking a chord. However, he felt a wave of embarrassment at how the suit handled male anatomy: the elastic fabric enveloped the genitals in a shockingly obscene hot pink, with a tubular pouch lifting and enclosing the mannequin’s small erection. The stark difference between the suit’s muted tone and the glaring focus on the wrapped genitals was more obscene than bare skin, and instead of exuding masculine confidence, it hovered on the verge of the pitiful and ridiculous.
Mrs. Rosemont’s voice dropped to a confidential tone, as if they were sharing a private, slightly awkward topic. “On the other hand, the BetaMini line is tailored for individual male use, providing a hands-free experience of masculine pleasure. It allows men without partners to fulfill their natural urge for thrusting and penetration. The suit delivers full gratification through the user’s own movements as he simulates sexual intercourse.
She went on, speaking with delicacy, “It’s designed for gentlemen who lack sexual experience and confidence, who frequently struggle to meet typical male sexual standards. For these clients, it provides an experience similar to coitus, but without the stress of awkward interactions with a partner and the risk of failing to meet her expectations.”
She paused, letting Peter absorb the implications: The BetaMini. A substitute for a partner. Designed for the pussy-free masturbator. Peter’s cheeks flushed and his body shifted nervously but also with arousal stirring, picturing himself as the mannequin in the humpsuit.
Noticing his mute fascination, she asked confidentially. “Now, I understand that this is a sensitive personal question, but for full customer satisfaction, one must be frank about one’s needs. May I presume that the gentleman is interested in the BetaMini line?” Peter nodded in embarrassment.
“Thank you for telling us that, sir. Rest assured, our clients’ unique requirements and preferences are kept completely confidential.”
… continued at The Hump Suit