Editorial: Legalize Masturbation!

by Richard Lovel

The title might be surprising, since there is no law enforced against masturbating privately. But I think we masturbators should fight for our civil right to express ourselves openly and freely. While other lifestyle choices have come into the open and are achieving recognition, the masturbator still lurks in the shadows of society, a figure of ridicule, pity, and approbation.

Let’s work to make chronic masturbation a respectable lifestyle, and make Masturbation Addiction recognized as an incurable medical condition for which reasonable accommodation must be made.

 

The comments in the quoted reply below are all very well said. There should be rooms set aside for “masturbation maintenance” sessions at work, or options for masturbating directly at the work station. I can imagine desks with privacy panels that allow an onanist to masturbate in an open office plan, with the full knowledge of his co-workers, who will hear his breathing, moaning, and see his red face and jerking body) but spare them the possibly distracting sight of his naked penis. He would only have to indicate the need for a masturbation break, drop the screen, and go about his task.

There should be public Masturbation Parks for masturbators and spectators, as there are special “dog parks” in my city for dog lovers. Thus the masturbator could enjoy self-gratification in a wholesome natural setting, feeling the fine warm sun on his glistening penis and seeing other masturbators shamelessly enjoying the same. And non-masturbators who enjoy watching would have a safe and relaxing place to enjoy a show.

Airlines would have to set aside special seating section for masturbators, and each passenger would be asked on check in, “Masturbating or Non-Masturbating?”.

Public toilets would have to be augmented; there would have to be separate facilities for “Men”, “Women” and “Masturbators”.

Restaurants would also have a Masturbating section of seating, with especially long table clothes, and waitresses would be very patient in taking orders and serving, pausing for the customer to ejaculate if necessary. Of course customers would be expected to tip generously for extra service such as manual assistance.

The issue of Masturbators in the Military would have to be carefully handled; we must respect both the right of masturbating soldiers to ejaculate on duty, but also the need of the armed forces for soldiers who are alert and not suffering masturbatory exhaustion, and to keep weapons free of semen jams.

We should demand fair representation for masturbators in the media. TV and movies should have major roles for masturbators and treat them with respect — no cheap jokes as in “Something About Mary” or Sienfeld. We should have at least one major news anchor an openly declared masturbator, and look for frequent masturbation segments on Oprah, PBS masturbation documentaries and mini-series, and a new category in the Emmys and Oscars for “Best Masturbator”. And the entertainment industry should pledge to develop high-quality fantasy and erotica oriented towards masturbators.

The required changes at the international Olympics are obvious and have often been proposed elsewhere.

The US Voting Rights Act should be amended to recognize masturbators as a discriminated class, and electoral boundaries adjusted to ensure that we have fair representation in government.

There should be a cabinet-level Department of Masturbation and Non-Copulatory Gratification to provide training programs, financial assistance, and manual release workers for masturbators. We also need a National Institute for Masturbation Research to develop new techniques, mechanical aids, lubricants, and educational programs. And the Consumer Products Safety Commission should be charged to test masturbation toys for safety and effectiveness.

You can see what sweeping changes are needed for chronic masturbators to take their rightful place. Every masturbator must join the struggle or we will forever be jerking off in a dark closet. My fellow masturbators, I ask you to place your hands on your penises and pledge to arise to the challenge.