Onania Masturbator Forum: Pussy Penetration Anxiety Disorder (PPAD)

In the Onania Masturbator Forum, a Masturbator Wrote:

It feels like a cruel joke. When i began masturbating in high school, i wonder if i already had undiagnosed PPAD. i would have given anything to have Real Sex, at least in theory – i fantasized about many of the girls i knew, and felt tormented by my constant erections and wet dreams. Watching teen sex comedies on TV late at night added to my desire but also to my anxiety. Looking back now i can see how those movies helped foster a belief that only by losing one’s virginity could a boy be a Real Man, and that boys who jerked off were to be ridiculed and pitied as perverted losers. So i believe that my PMS – Pathetic Masturbator Syndrome – was a key cause of my PPAD. i worried that my penis would be of inadequate size to satisfy a girl, and i believed that the girls i liked were probably not virgins, so they would have bigger dicks and better sexual experiences to compare me to. On top of that, i had already experienced premature ejaculation from merely talking to and ogling a girl while having one of my uncontrolled puberty-driven erections. One of those times, it happened when a girl was being flirtatious with me and actually rubbed herself up against my crotch. She didn’t notice what i had done, thank goodness, but if that was all it took, i was deathly afraid that i would spurt the moment i saw a girl in her panties.

Another contributing factor to my PPAD was my ridiculous and humiliating panty-fetish, of course. i learned early on that it was not normal for a boy to have just as many fantasies about wearing a girl’s underwear as taking them off of her. And as i succumbed to my frequent masturbation schedule of 5 times per day, the fantasies i had increasingly turned to more perverted thoughts of forced crossdressing and exposure in front of girls I liked instead of having sex with them.

Having penetrative sex, sliding my penis into a girl’s pussy, was a mystery to me, and the holy grail of manhood. Since i was less than a man in so many other respects (not good at sports, not very tall, slight-bodied, fascinated with girls’ underwear, swimwear and dancewear), i worried that i probably wouldn’t be any good at sex, either. Penetrating a pussy became an intimidating thought, the moment where i would have my total worth evaluated by the girl i liked. Masturbating was easier and non-threatening, and I’ve always had a lively imagination, so i was satisfied to build elaborate fantasy scenarios in my mind. In my imagination, i could picture girls being thoroughly satisfied by my big, thick cock (though i almost never actually fantasized that; my fantasies, if they didn’t begin with me in girls’ lingerie being humiliated with or by the girl I liked, inevitably turned out that way as i mentally chased the White Rabbit of my orgasm). In this way, i trained myself, conditioning myself to conform to the profile described by PPAD.

By the time i was actually “eligible” for a Real Sexual experience – meaning, a girl was available and interested in having sex with me – i was fully afflicted with PPAD. i got an erection, but i was so eager and stimulated by seeing her undress and actually being felt in a sexual way by a girl that i prematurely ejaculated. i felt so ashamed and embarrassed and intimidated that i couldn’t get it up again. After i had gotten dressed and started going home, THEN my erection returned, and everything in me demanded that i pull over my car so i could masturbate.

i did eventually manage to lose my virginity, but I continued to fantasize about still being a virgin. That was definitely my PMS reinforcing my PPAD, making me fetishize my own lack of sexual experience. It was as though my brain were betraying me, wanting me to forever be a fumbling virgin, cumming in his pants (panties) at the sight or touch of a sexy girl, but never actually getting to lose my virginity.

My PPAD has become so acute, in combination with my PMS, that i now regularly fantasize about losing my virginity in one of three ways: 1) to my own Mother (a fantasy version of her); 2) to my own Sister (also a fantasy version); or to a girl who is equally embarrassed by the situation, as bullies force us to have sex together in front of a jeering audience. There are also the many fantasies i have now in which i lose my “sissy virginity” to another femboi (hello, candi!), but my PMS doesn’t translate that as Real Sex for me. i do think it contributes to reinforcing my PPAD, though, making me feel like more of a sissy and keeping me further away from the women’s’ pussy i so long for…

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