In the Onania Masturbator Forum, a Masturbator Wrote:
i learned about masturbation only from hearing other boys at school use it as a euphemism for a pathetic loser: “That guy’s such a jerk-off,” “Peter’s probably sitting at home jerking it,” “What a jack-off!” etc. i had sexual thoughts and feelings before, but the first time I ever masturbated was in my freshman year of high school. i never did more than lay on my stomach and grind my stiff penis against my mattress before that, and i had never consciously ejaculated (though i’d had wet dreams and i’d leaked precum in my pants once when a girl was flirting with me and pressing herself up against my body in the school hallway once). i didn’t want to be a loser, or anyone to think of me as a jackoff.
But i had a lot of girlie posters on my bedroom walls (all clothed, but in swimsuits) and i had been dwelling on some sexual fantasies i had about two girls at school, and while looking at one of my posters – featuring a guy in a Speedo laying between two sexy women in one-piece swimsuits – i felt a sudden, terrible temptation to experiment, and find out what it would be like to actually masturbate. i hid in my bathroom, deciding that if someone happened to come looking for me, i could pretend to be using the toilet.
My hands were trembling when i took hold of my little penis, which was already incredibly stiff from arousal and anticipation of committing a shameful, forbidden act in secret. First i merely stroked my fingertips lightly along my shaft and under my crown, and imagined being that stud in the poster, wearing only a tight little orange Speedo that would do nothing to conceal my hard-on from the swimsuited women, who i imagined smirking at my little tent, chiding me for having “naughty, perverted thoughts.” i had another poster that i loved, a Bud Light ad featuring several women in white tank tops and blue high cut bikini bottoms with wide belts, and tennis shoes. Most of them were smiling, or maybe smirking (with a little imagination), and one of them resembled a friend of mine. i had often fantasized that i was dressed just like them, and they were giggling and teasing me for it. So, as i stroked myself lightly, i thought of these fantasies. i felt as though i had been skirting dangerously close to actual masturbation – at this point, i assured myself, i was only “tickling” myself. But my lust was growing to an irresistible peak, and i decided to wrap my fingers firmly around my rigid 3 1/2″ shaft.
And then i began to pump.
The feeling was amazing and intense. As i increased the pace of my pumping, my imagination ran wild, seeking out ever more depraved (to my more innocent mind, anyway) and bizarre fantasies to indulge and feed my erotic stimulation, like feeding coal into a steam locomotive’s boiler. My mind conjured the image of the two girls I’d been fantasizing about – a girl named Misty who had a slutty reputation and always wore skintight leggings that showed off her fantastic ass, and the tallest girl in the school, a blonde girl with a pixie haircut, thick thighs and a full bottom, named Gennifer. i imagined them standing before me, but whatever clothes they had been wearing before that moment were gone. Instead, they were both wearing pink footie pajamas; they were several sizes too small for them, so they were skintight, and the material was thin so that the curves of their bodies were well displayed. The pink sleepers had a hood with fuzzy pink bunny ears, to add to their ridiculous appearance. Most embarrassing, they had drop-seat flaps that buttoned up to cover their bottoms, and the sleepers were so snug that the buttons were threatening to pop off from the strain. Since Gennifer was the bigger girl, i pictured her buttons popping off, allowing her flap to fall open and leave her full, plump round bare buttocks on display for all to see. Her cheeks (both sets) flushed pink with embarrassment. Misty just smirked seductively.
i felt the sudden lurch in my belly that told me something was about to happen. An urgent but pleasurable sensation like i was about to pee after holding it in for hours. i panicked and let go of my penis, afraid – i guess – that i was going to make a big mess. As my dick began to dribble cum like a leaky faucet into the toilet, i doubled over with pain and intense discomfort (many years later i would discover this was called a “ruined orgasm”). i felt a wave of dizziness as the bathroom went dark – i nearly fainted.
i felt deep shame and resolved never to do it again. i had jacked off. Now i was a masturbator, a jerkoff. i hoped no one would ever discover what i had done, and i worried that somehow girls would be able to tell just from looking at me.
You all can guess how that story turned out. Of course, as i rode the bus home from school the next day, i tried not to acknowledge my secret, giddy desire to close myself in my bedroom and masturbate again, this time while looking at my beloved posters. The third time, i made myself jerk off all the way through my orgasm, and discovered how much more pleasurable that was. At that point, i was lost – since that day i have never gone more than four days without masturbating. And my worries about being marked by others as a pathetic jerkoff turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy: eventually i was caught masturbating in the girls’ gym locker room with a pair of stolen panties, and that was one of the main reasons the Tomboy of my dreams told me she could never date me. My reputation at school was ruined for good, and my fairy tale dreams of love with the girl of my dreams were dashed. All i’ve had for consolation since then are a perverted fantasies and my chronic masturbation habit.
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