Marie: My Masturbation History

BY MARIE, 29-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN FEMALE BISEXUAL MASTURBATOR

I had a way of making myself orgasm as a young child (I was so young I don’t remember the first time I did it, but I know I was by age 7), but didn’t realize that I was “having an orgasm”, or “masturbating” or “doing something sexual” (I’m still somewhat reluctant to refer to it as masturbating, since I didn’t actually touch myself with my hands, what I’d do is, after my bath, I would run into my room, still naked, and keep running around the room in circles, but I now know I would definitely have orgasms doing this). I’d always been very curious about where babies come from and all that and my parents were very good about answering all my questions, but I didn’t relate “the *Good Feeling*  between my legs” (that’s how I though of it, and that’s what I called the running around bit, “getting the good feeling”) to the process of reproduction or boys or romance or anything that I at the time considered to be “sex”. 

 

I still hadn’t figured it out by the time I was 14 and had my first erotic dream (which was a masturbation dream, strange because I still didn’t know how to masturbate to orgasm (I mean on purpose, and “properly”, i.e. with the hands) at that time). In this dream I was in a room with black floor and walls with a mirror all along the length of one wall. For most of the dream I was standing in front of the mirror naked and just kind of looking at myself and touching my body all over. I’d never actually done this before, purposely stared at my naked self nor touched my body in a sensual way. 

 

I remember waking up from that dream with this strange, incredible warm, pulsing sensation in my genitals that I’d never felt before (strangely, it didn’t bring up any memories of my previous pleasures, but maybe that’s because the dream feeling had a rather different quality) and being so confused as to WHAT THE HECK   this feeling was, it even worried me a little, but I figured anything that felt so good couldn’t be bad. I didn’t even know then that anybody (boys or girls) had dreams like that. A few times I woke up on the verge of orgasm, only I didn’t understand that then, either, I just knew my private parts were throbbing REALLY HARD and if I moved at all, so much as to even take a deep breath, SOMETHING BIG was going to happen, but I was sorta scared of it, so I just tried to lay really still till the feeling died down. This is how dumb I was, I didn’t make a connection between what I was feeling and that big, all-important thing I’d heard so much about called “sex”. 

 

This happened again a few times (with more masturbation dreams or dreams about oral sex or mutual masturbation or sometimes even without any dream, sometimes I would (and still do) just wake up with that throbbing feeling, but can’t recall what set it off) before it finally clicked that “Oh, so THIS is what sex feels like!”. 

 

Well, actually I had made a few half-hearted attempts at masturbating since I was about 11, but I didn’t know I had a clitoris then, so I really wasn’t “hitting the spot”. The first attempt happened after my mother came into the bathroom while I was taking a bath and remarked that since I was so developed, I would probably be getting my first period any time. (She was right; I began menstruating a few months later.) I was curious about this change in my body and so later that night when I was lying there in bed in the dark, I put my hands into my panties and kind of exploratorily felt around to see what my new-and-improved genitals felt like. Oddly, it never occurred to me to look at my naked self in the mirror, possibly because I intuitively knew it was considered taboo. (I know it seems strange to think looking is taboo yet touching isn’t, but somehow it seemed that anything you did under cover of darkness in the middle of the night all by yourself didn’t really count). 

 

By this age I knew about masturbation, that people touched themselves to bring themselves pleasure. I was curious about how that felt, so I started trying to see if I could hit upon anything that felt good, but since I really didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t really get anywhere. When I was 15 I finally heard about the clitoris and I think maybe I subconsciously decided I would like to have a go at finding mine. I think also the dream I had at 14 where I dreamed I had masturbated successfully and woke up actually coming may have been influential also.

 

So when I did finally hear about the clitoris, I was successful because I knew where to go and also I had by then recognized that the feeling I had in my dreams was what I was going for. Now I feel a bit ridiculous that I spent all that time as a kid wondering what this big “ORGASM” thing that everyone said was the best feeling ever was like, when I’d actually been having them myself all along!  But I didn’t wonder because mine weren’t pleasurable, they most certainly were (and are), I guess the only reason I didn’t put 2 and 2 together is cause I suck at math 8-? .

 

So, one rainy Saturday afternoon when I was 16, I started trying to masturbate again, this time armed with the knowledge of the exact area I was looking for. I put my hands down my pants and started feeling around, with a direction and purpose this time. I have no idea why I picked this particular day to try, but it is now a day I’ll cherish forever. I was able to find my clitoris surprisingly quickly and started rubbing it with my left middle finger, in a circular motion. It was really amazing how unawkward and almost automatic it was, like all of a sudden I just knew what to do. I did this kneeling, which is my usual position, even though I can do it lying on my back, but I have more muscle tension when I do it lying down, making it less comfortable. I think part of that is because I have cerebral palsy.

 

At first I wasn’t fantasizing (I’d really never had a waking sexual fantasy at this point, just the dreams), just thinking about the feeling of what I was doing, which I wasn’t sure if it was working or not, but I knew people did usually think about sexual things during The Act, so I figured that would help me along. What I came up with was a random, featureless guy, stroking my hair and kissing me and telling me I was beautiful, and I don’t know what I might have thought of next because at that point I came. When that first orgasm came, it took me by surprise and I actually fell over right onto my face!    It could, in fact have turned out very badly, since I was facing a low table and I would have whacked my head on it had I fallen an inch or two farther forward, but just in front of it was this big pillow I liked to sit on on the floor when I worked at this table, and I happened to land right on that pillow, as if God was looking out for me, even though I was now a “bad, dirty, shameful “self-abuser”” .

 

I remember I just lay there and laughed.  I was so exhilarated by those profoundly pleasurable contractions and the amazement that I could do this wonderful thing for myself. For the rest of that day and for the next couple of days, I walked around in a sort of daze, with this feeling that I must be really different now, somehow and wondered if anyone could tell. 

I felt like it was some kind of magical gift, too good to be true, so for a long time I was afraid of losing my ability to make myself cum. I think I masturbated more than was really necessary after I discovered it, because I was checking to make sure it still worked!  Once I calmed down about that I settled into a regular pattern of masturbating every other day or so, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. I expanded my fantasy repertoire and learned sometimes it was fun to think about sex even if I wasn’t touching myself (of course, I also learned that thinking about sex can make you want to touch yourself). We got Internet access around this time as well, conveniently enough. 

 

It was probably about a year after that before I really became aware of having a sex drive, that is to say, feeling horny without any particular thought or touch provoking it. I was just getting ready for bed one night when just out of nowhere I got that “I need to  masturbate NOW!” feeling (before it had been more of an “I have some free time and it might be fun to masturbate ” feeling). It was maybe another year after that (when I was 18) that I had my first really sexual, lustful crush on someone, before it had just been more of a general desire to be touched in certain ways, not so much the specific attraction and desire for a certain person, and my fantasy partners had been more-or-less featureless). Around this time I also started experimenting with penetrating myself with a hairbrush handle, which I sometimes like to do. Somewhere along the way I discovered how to masturbate with water spray from the shower and using an electric toothbrush as a vibrator. 

 

It probably took me around 15 minutes or so to cum at first, I got faster as I got better at it, also learned that I could cum quicker and harder after abstaining for a few days, I’ve cum in less than 30 seconds on a couple occasions (not counting that 1 time I came in 0 seconds because it was a spontaneous orgasm, I was around 20-21 then), but on the other hand I also learned that edging could give me prolonged pleasure and stronger orgasms, so I practice that occasionally, and my record there is around 40-something minutes. But generally I average 5-10 minutes or so, masturbating everyday it’s closer to 10 minutes, doing it less often closer to 5. So that brings us to today. It is a long story but one with a happy ending (or several, rather  ).

 

Marie, 29-year-old virgin female bisexual masturbator