Warning for the Satire-Impaired

Onania . Org/asm is for the exclusive use of non-satire-impaired persons over 21 years of age.

If you are satire-impaired, irony-challenged, experiencing reduced or dysfunctional sense of humor, or otherwise have difficulty distinguishing satire from reality, you are advised to read no further. If you are seeking factual and balanced information on masturbation, please see Masturbation – Wikipedia instead.

WARNING:

Onania . Org/asm contains satire, humorous exaggerations, fictional claims, and intentional misrepresentations of facts about the subject of masturbation for the purpose of producing amusement in sophisticated adult readers.

While reading Onania . Org/asm naive and clueless males  may experience confusion, feelings of guilt and shame, embarrassment, diminished self esteem, abstinence, and temporary or permanent loss of sexual gratification.

ONANIA . ORG/ASM IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES DUE TO PERSONAL  FRUSTRATION, LOSS OF SEXUAL GRATIFICATION, ALIENATION OF THE GENITAL ORGANS OR LOST MASTURBATORY OPPORTUNITIES ARISING FROM READER MISINTERPRETATIONS.

Warning for the Satire-Impaired

Onania . Org/asm is for the exclusive use of non-satire-impaired persons over 21 years of age.

If you are satire-impaired, irony-challenged, experiencing reduced or dysfunctional sense of humor, or otherwise have difficulty distinguishing satire from reality, you are advised to read no further. If you are seeking factual and balanced information on masturbation, please see Masturbation – Wikipedia instead.

WARNING:

Onania . Org/asm contains satire, humorous exaggerations, fictional claims, and intentional misrepresentations of facts about the subject of masturbation for the purpose of producing amusement in sophisticated adult readers.

While reading Onania . Org/asm naive and clueless males  may experience confusion, feelings of guilt and shame, embarrassment, diminished self esteem, abstinence, and temporary or permanent loss of sexual gratification.

ONANIA . ORG/ASM IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES DUE TO PERSONAL  FRUSTRATION, LOSS OF SEXUAL GRATIFICATION, ALIENATION OF THE GENITAL ORGANS OR LOST MASTURBATORY OPPORTUNITIES ARISING FROM READER MISINTERPRETATIONS.

Bikini-clad women make men impatient | Eureka! Science News

Duh, do you think this includes masturbation?

…A recent study shows that men who watched sexy videos or handled lingerie sought immediate gratification—even when they were making decisions about money, soda, and candy. Authors Bram Van den Bergh, Siegfried DeWitte, and Luk Warlop (KULeuven, Belgium) found that the desire for immediate rewards increased in men who touched bras, looked at pictures of beautiful women, or watched video clips of young women in bikinis running through a park.

“It seems that sexual appetite causes a greater urgency to consume anything rewarding,” the authors suggest. Thus, the activation of sexual desire appears to spill over into other brain systems involved in reward-seeking behaviors, even the cognitive desire for money…. Bikini-clad women make men impatient | Eureka! Science News

True Beat Generation: Lump In The Levis

We’ve all been there.

This cautionary tale took place the summer between fifth and sixth grade (again in Bedford, MA). My friends Tom Mulligan, Mike Lehan, Kevin Hartwell and I were upstairs in the bedroom of a fourth friend, Mike McGrath, looking at his older brother’s stash of Playboys. I had never seen one before, and was enjoying it immensely. We were all minding our business, gaping silently, when Mike Lehan, totally out of the blue, calls out “Phil has a boner!” He had no way of knowing this, as the magazine in my lap covered everything up. However, I knew two things: 1) I definitely had a boner and 2) there was no way I was going to admit it. So right away I said “I do not!” knowing that when compelled to remove the magazine, if I was lucky, it would be hidden. “Do too!” Lehan screamed. Not wanting to prolong the inevitable, I pulled the Playboy away, revealing an undeniable pup tent to the right of my zipper. They all laughed their asses off and I did my best to forget about until later that evening, when I’m standing at the plate during our little league game. From third base, Mike McGrath yells “LUMP IN THE LEVI’S!” Everyone who’d already heard about the incident cracked up and everyone who hadn’t soon heard about it. It was a long summer.

True Beat Generation: Lump In The Levis

The Declaration of Masturbation

Posted by  in OnaniaSupport

The Declaration of Masturbation

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the social bands, which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the masturbation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed — hopefully, WELL endowed — by their Creator, with certain Inalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of stroking their own penis.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of Onania, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Masturbators; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to their wives, their ex-wives, and their former other assorted concubines, and that all physical erection between them and the State of Arousal, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Masturbators, they have full Power to look at naked Whores, self-stimulate themselves in an open can of peas, contract Pornographers, establish Erections, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Masturbators may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Semen.

Signed,

John Handcock

Lose fluid from the brain | JackinWorld

Once, when I was about 13, my parents took me to a doctor. I was having problems with asthma at the time. The doctor, a female, performed all the usual tests and then asked to speak to me alone. My parents left the room, and the doctor fixed me with a cold stare. “Do you play with yourself?” she asked. I was dumbstruck, shocked out of my wits, and started stuttering, eventually denying it. She would have none of that and told me flat-out that I was lying. Then she said if I didn’t stop, I would become feeble-minded, because each time a man ejaculates, she said, he loses fluid from his brain. The white stuff that comes out when you play with yourself, she said, was actually brain fluid. If a man continues with this, then after a while he loses his mind. And if that wasn’t enough, masturbation was the real cause of my asthma, she said. So everyone around me knew of my filthy habit, because I got asthma from playing with myself. When we went out to meet my parents again, she said to me — right in front of my mom and dad: “No more monkey business!” I was mortified.

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My Life with the NYC Sperm Bank System

from My Life with the NYC Sperm Bank System

….Like a bunch of college freshmen males, they all had numerous wisecracks about this moneymaking enterprise. At fifty bucks a shot, they couldn’t help but refer to the product for sale as “white gold”.

They all fantasized about how this would be done–perhaps there were specially trained massage parlor girls from Bangkok, slutty nurses, or even a bevvy of sperm bank hookers. They knew this wasn’t true, but it was still entertaining. One of the students on the expedition proffered the idea that more likely they had rows of identical small rooms with specifically engineered “milking machines” like they had for cows on dairy farms. This notion went over with the group like a lead balloon, and after that the conversation died and it was a long, quiet subway ride to the sperm bank. ….

Wishful thinking, perhaps?

more at My Life with the NYC Sperm Bank System

Online Semen and Robo-Sperm | violet blue ® :: open source sex

Incidentally, the place where the gentleman in question provides his sample is called a “men’s production facility,” “donor cabin,” or “masturbatorium.” If you have never read Polly Enmity’s absolutely amazing article in Best Sex Writing 2005 on being a sperm bank teller, you are missing what must be the most entertaining writing ever delivered on this topic.

via Online Semen and Robo-Sperm | violet blue ® :: open source sex.