Onania Masturbator Forum: The Masturbator Identity

Here are some thoughts and ruminations about why solosexuality and the masturbator lifestyle are increasingly compelling. let me know your thoughts.

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I see in the masturbation community quite a variety of reasons for dedication to masturbation. For me, it started as a desire to be nude and aroused. I wasn’t even really aware of orgasm per se. I knew I liked girls even before puberty hit. I was quick to notice the development of the girls around me in puberty and fantasized I suppose as most did about seeing them nude and in sexual situations. Since then, I have only deepened my love for the female form. I find it incredibly inspiring to see women around town (especially with the popularity of leggings and yoga pants) and be able to see their bodies quite directly. It virtually always is the trigger for going home and masturbating.

But it goes beyond being horny and needing relief. It’s easy I suppose to get horny. But it’s another thing entirely to decide what to do with it. A lot of people masturbate, just to get off and relieve that sexual need. What I discovered is that being aroused itself was the ultimate fruit of this masturbator’s labor. Certainly, I love orgasm and couldn’t do without it. But what developed into a lifestyle came from the realization that I could spend hours being aroused, comfortable in casual nudity. It spoke to a fantasy that we might all be able to be openly nude and aroused. It became my primary fantasy to be able to masturbate openly in the company of others, with full acceptance of that arousal and the beauty of the things that arouse me.

I realized as well that masturbation was also a solution to larger, more complex relational problems, versus the “traditional” problems of having unresolved sexual desire or not having a partner to get off with. I have had quite a few girlfriends and have desired marriage, but always thought my masturbation interests would be met with consternation and disapproval. I know quite a few masturbators who have this problem, and I sense in them what I imagine is a feeling of be trapped. Trapped by a significant other who denies them the full measure of their erotic needs. The funny thing is that every expert in the field of relationships says it is “normal” to find considerable differences in libido. And somehow, couples are supposed to find some kind of middle ground, where often there is no real, practical middle ground that doesn’t involve doing something that someone doesn’t want. So, in these situations, masturbation is a pressure release valve for couples not in the same place sexually.

Contributing to the lack of realistic middle ground is the complex nature of such differences in sexual desire. It’s often painted as a transient phenomenon in using the word “desire.” But what I see is more often a difference most fundamentally in sexuality between partners; the differences in sexual need have likely more to do with level of desire as disparate nature of the desire.

If you have fantasies that can’t be indulged in a monogamous relationship, then being “with” that fantasy by masturbating to it seems an excellent outlet. I, for example, have always loved scenarios and scenes with two women making love. I have had this fantasy since before I ever had sex. Watching two women in my book doesn’t even count as an infidelity, and I don’t particularly need to watch lesbians in real life. So it’s really a rather proprietary and personal erotic need that is deeply embedded. I’m never going to not want to see lesbians together, either in media or in my head.

This makes masturbation incredibly important to me, because it’s not just an outlet for horniness, but an outlet for something otherwise impossible to experience sexually. This I think is at the heart of why masturbation has become a centerpiece of my sexuality. Some people even go so far as to describe it as an orientation, in the term “Solosexual.” I think this is an apt term especially as it puts forth the idea that your own erotic life is one to be nurtured and developed over time, just like any other pillar of sexuality.

Masturbation also solves another complex problem for many people. Some are in a completely sexless marriage, but you don’t want to get out of the marriage because it either would be too painful,’or otherwise is a good partnership minus the sexual aspect. Also, some people may find it too stressful to actually be in a relationship. Many men feel performance anxiety, which is very understandable given the way society idealizes and, if anything homogenizes ideas about sexual function. Many, many people don’t find themselves motivated sexually in the ways that society would expect. In my case, I have always found masturbation to be roughly as fulfilling as intercourse, and I would say I have always preferred kissing and oral sex to intercourse. This doesn’t square with the norms of society, where putting your penis in a vagina in traditional fashion is the “holy grail” of sexual expression.

Some people as well feel they just can’t find the right partner. They cite the significant emotional risks of ending up with a person and then in a divorce situation. Or finding themselves unable to find a suitable partner. This doesn’t make the case for being a masturbator, but certainly being a masturbator softens the sexual loneliness of not having a relationship. I can certainly relate to this, as I find it–in a big, impersonal city and being an unconventional person–difficult to be in synchronization with anyone I meet.

This is obviously why we see the rise of social masturbation–where people find satisfaction in sharing and supporting one another in their solosexuality. I’m particularly intrigued with the rise of groups such as Healthy Friction, where men who identify first as masturbators get together to spend a weekend masturbating together. Said to be open to men of all orientations, I see this as a hopeful sign of a world in which social masturbation becomes more prevalent. And hopefully a more open topic. It’s funny (maybe just sad) that we have such a circumscribed range of expression of our sexual selves. We can be sure that people of alternative sexualities feel they can’t “come out” or be open about their desires. I have a lesbian friend at work who still has to whisper the word “girlfriend” when talking about her….girlfriend. And quite certainly, I can’t begin to talk about my identity as a masturbator. In many circles, you can’t talk about your desires or pursuits. And even behind closed doors, the mention of sex is seen to require a story of conquering or a kind of violence of sexuality.

And that’s the point I’ve been getting to. Masturbation is about expression of self. I hear more and more about fluid gender identity, especially among people much younger than me. They are able to entertain flexible notions of themselves sexually. And it’s a relief to see, in the context of this, an unprecedented discussion of new identities such as the solosexual identity. It’s easy to see masturbation as an ill when viewed through the lens of tradition (let alone religious tradition). It’s clearly exciting for some to think of themselves as addicts and somehow broken in being “chronic” masturbators. If that is a turn on for them, then great, but I consider masturbation a beautiful expression of one’s sexual self–an expression whose time feels so much like its time has come. It is an uncommon beauty that develops when we allowed to work our way into a deep, extensive practice, with long periods of arousal and stimulation, deeply loving the imagery and thoughts that turn us on.

So, really, masturbation can be–and is for me–way more than a solution to a problem. It is an expression of self. Eric Francis expresses this well in his writings and suggests sharing masturbation with others, in order to share oneself. I find this resonant, and it is why I’ve tried to meet others with similar masturbatory interests. My goal is to find others who love their practice in the same way and want to support one another in their arousal. My goal is as well to find a woman to spend my life with who celebrates this aspects of the self and feels as proud of and inspired by masturbation as I do.

People talk about loving their bodies by exercising and eating right. And while there are many ways to take care of one’s mind, few activities are as holistically relevant to mind and body than masturbation. When I’m am deep in masturbatory bliss, I am aware of taking care of my needs in a slow, sensual way–like taking a bubble bath, but engaging mind and body and the senses in a profound way. I look forward to further engaging of mind and body with my masturbator brothers and sisters as we chart a new course for self expression.