A thoughtful and honest personal essay on living with chronic masturbation addiction, from one of Onania’s Contributing Masturbators. — R.L.
The Masturbator I Want To Be
BY IN LOVE WITH KATE MOSS
I have reached a conundrum about my masturbation addiction. I need to NOT be an addict. My happiness and well-being depend on that.
However, I remember the sage thought of “once an addict, always an addict,” and realize you can’t just stop being addicted to something. Alcoholics always call themselves “recovering” addicts, even though they may not have had a drop in years.
Perhaps like you, I spend too much time masturbating. That is time taken away from my family, from my work, from other pursuits that I enjoy wholly. I sometime begin masturbating in the morning and continue for most of the day. I don’t go to my office until late because that rush of dopamine is coursing through my body, making me crave it more. Then I am lost in that masturbator’s fog the rest of the day. Often, once I start, I can’t stop, and that is one of the true measure’s of an addict. I’ve lost a job mainly because of my masturbation addiction, wasted time, wasted money, and have threatened my business because I can’t stay away from my cock.
I need to change something, but this is difficult. Like any addiction, you just can’t turn this on and off.
I joined Your Brain Rebalanced and have found that to be helpful in focusing on what I need to focus on. Most of the other members there are totally anti-masturbation in any form. For an addict, this may be the only real path to take to gain control over their lives.
But here is my conundrum: I LOVE BEING a masturbator. It has become a part of my identity. It defines my sexuality, A masturbator is who I am.
How do I reconcile these competing issues? Perhaps by not letting them compete.
I’ve started reading a book entitled “The Slight Edge.” It is a good guide to helping someone focus on what’s important and improving their lives. “The Slight Edge” will not give you that trick or secret get-rich-quick formula to financial success. It will help you form a frame-of-mind to get yourself on track to achieve your life’s goals and be happy.
For a while I was trying to “beat masturbation.” What I was doing was beating myself up, and I was still beating my cock a lot. Going “cold turkey” wasn’t working for me. The urge to masturbate was too great, and although I would go wank free for a week or two at a time, I would always have this devastating “rebound” that would have me masturbating almost constantly for days at a time.
Most importantly, during these periods of no masturbation I felt like a part of me was missing.
So, I’m taking a different approach. Following some tips from “The Slight Edge,” I am making adjustments in my life. Things that lead me to stay at the computer for hours and hours pleasuring my cock, I am staying away from. Small things that lead to my overall happiness and financial well-being are important to me now in being a whole person.
And I am not going to stop being a masturbator.
I will define “masturbator” as someone who recognizes solo-sexual pursuits as socially acceptable and enjoyable, not something to be hidden and vilified. I love to masturbate and love sharing it with people. I have been outed to friends, acquaintances and business partners as a masturbator, and perhaps I’ve outed myself. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of what I am, and am proud to stand up and identify myself as a masturbator. In an age where gay and transgender people are standing up for who they are and their rights, this is only natural and right.
I’ll tell you a quick story. I won’t go into the gory details. Those of you who have read one of my earlier posts heard me allude to this incident before:
This woman who I thought was a friend of mine decided to “out me” as a masturbator. She recognized me on-line at a photo sharing site where I post pictures of myself masturbating. I had posted pictures of a lot of female friends and other people I masturbate over, including this person. Nothing graphic but if you were one of my family contacts and saw the pics of me jacking off, you came away with the impression that I was masturbating to everyone on my photo stream. This woman contacted many, if not all, of the women I had posted and told them I had a private area with my masturbation pics, etc., and informed them about what I was doing over their pictures!
Of course, it was very fuzzy about how she came upon this knowledge in the first place. Perhaps she is an addicted masturbator herself, and was cruising masturbation sites when she spotted me. Very curious. ( I had always thought this woman had some weird sexual things going on in the first place. Whole different story for another time.)
Anyway, most of the people she contacted either thought she was a kook or they just plain weren’t bothered by it. Except for one other person, those that were bothered just kept it to themselves. Gradually, things filtered back to me and I realized a large number of people had heard from this woman and a few had ventured forth and found my pictures. Only one person ever said anything direct to me about my masturbation pictures; I will call her “Joy” for purposes of this article.
“Joy” is in her mid 50’s, about 5’7″, blonde, cute smile, blue eyes, nice legs and feet and ass that I LOVE to masturbate over. Four summers ago when this crap was going down, Joy and I were somewhere shooting video. During a lull while I was messing with the camera, she looks at me and smiles and says, “Hey, you really need a new camera for your porn pictures!”
I said, “What do you mean, my porn pictures?” Of course, I instantly knew what she was talking about. I felt my face turning red, but played dumb.
“You know, the pictures of you doing your thing!” With that, she made a hand-motion like a hand going up and down on a cock! She had this beautiful wide smile and a gleam in her eye.
I nearly fucking fell over, but continued to play dumb and treated it as if she was playing a joke.
“Oh yeah, my porn pictures!” I rolled my eyes like the whole thing was a gag. “The pictures really are terrible aren’t they? I do need a new camera for those.”
I felt myself blushing even more.
A few other people were within earshot and just looked at us like we must have had some inside joke among friends.
At the same time I was embarrassed in front of Joy, I was thrilled that she had seen the pics of me masturbating and was OK with it. And she apparently was also OK with the fact her pics were on my personal photo account, and probably figured it added up to me masturbating to her (which of course I do. A lot!).
She’s never said anything more to me about it.
Four years later she is still a friend, although I don’t see her as often. I saw her about ten days ago at this large sporting event where we both worked. She came over to talk, and we stood and talked and laughed for a while. I gazed into her pretty blue eyes thinking these are the same eyes that were wide and disbelieving when she found my masturbation pics online. The same eyes that saw my hand on my cock and my cum shooting, then dripping down my fingers. The same eyes that read my captions about how much I masturbate, how I love to masturbate, and how I love to masturbate to women with nice legs and smiles and sexy feet and asses! The same eyes that saw her pictures in the G-rated part of my account and realized: He masturbates to ME! The eyes of the same woman who let me know she saw the pictures, but then is still my friend.
As weird as this may sound to some, seeing Joy and realizing that she and so many others know how much of a masturbator I am is a great turn-on for me and is very appealing. Most of these people have not changed the way they treat me. If they did, they would have to justify why they were curious enough to look for my masturbation pictures, and might have to reveal that they, too, masturbate and enjoy it. Perhaps this whole chain of events is helping them feel more comfortable with themselves.
So, I have decided I need to control my addiction. That will be how I beat it; not by “curing” myself by stopping all masturbation, but by finding an appropriate space for it in the rest of my life. From now on, I will not spend hours every day in front of a computer or lost in fantasy while playing with my cock. I will occasionally enjoy this wonderful sexual act, and will do it with others as well as post here and elsewhere about my experience. It will be an experience that will enrich my life and make me complete, not drag me down a path to self-destruction. I want to help others do the same.
That is the masturbator I want to be and will be,
I am a masturbator and I love it!