Here continues the personal sexual history of one of the web’s leading masturbators, Porn O’Graphicus. He posted this originally in the affiliated masturbator group OnaniaSupport, but his excellent story deserves wider exposure. See also Part 4
Masturbation and Porn Addiction Story Part 5
A LICENSE TO WANK
It is July 8, 1981 — my 16th birthday. That very day, my mother took me to the local California Department of Motor Vehicles office so that I could take my driver’s test. I passed, getting a 91 out of 100 (and I’m still to this day pissed off that I didn’t get a perfect score — the motherfucking DMV asshole docked me three times for being too cautious at a stop sign). Anyway…I had my license. No restrictions in those days; I could drive by myself, whenever I wanted, wherever I wanted, and with whomever I wanted…well, whenever my parents would let me. :-)
Fortunately for my masturbating and pornography collecting addictions, being able to get the opportunity to take one of our cars by myself quickly became a very regular occurrence. It was around this time that my mother would often become ill physically and sometimes mentally. So, it was up to me to do things like our grocery shopping and run various errands. It did not take me long to start to figure out how to stick extra stops into my trips. THE TOWER OF PORN Sacramento was the home of Tower Records that, up until this past year when modern technology finally killed it off, was one of America’s most prestigious record store chains. And, in some locations, they also had a separate Tower Books store. At least in the ones where I lived, they were great bookstores that were almost library-like in their scope of material. One day, I was down there with my mother for some reason or another. As usual, I was looking for that year’s college football preview magazines. But, my eye was called to something that was on a table nearby. It was a full color, large paperback book filled with nothing but photographs of women’s nude butts. Some photos were just close-ups of the nice ass itself, and others showed a whole body. I was immediately extremely aroused and had a hard time walking out of there without embarrassingly showing my teen boy wood. What struck me was that this book was out for anybody to buy and not stashed away like all of the porn mags. A couple of weeks later, I somehow was assigned to go run an errand down in that area by myself. Even though it was right out in the open, I had no idea if any of the clerks would sell that book to me since I looked younger than even my actual age of 16. To my dismay, when I went back to that table, the book was gone. A pretty female clerk saw that I was digging through this table, came up, and asked me what I was looking for. I was a little scared to say, but for some reason told her the title (which I forget now, but it wasn’t all that explicit). She then asked another pretty female clerk if they still had it and, to my horror, asked her what the book’s subject. “Butts,” she said as she gave me a small, wry smile. As she looked into her computer system, she said that they no longer had it in stock, but that they could order it for me! Whoa! I stammered that I did want them to order the book for me. They took my information and said it would be at their store in a couple of weeks. Well, I did indeed get the book and enjoyed it immensely as I masturbated while looking at it many times. But, after the initial shock, what got me even more was the smile I got from the one clerk, knowing that she knew what I was looking to buy and why…and especially that she was OK with it. Finally, even if only for a brief moment, I had met somebody who knew that I masturbated to porn and that it was no big deal! I did not get too many more books at Tower for a couple of reasons. One was that I was still often in there with my parents and I sure as hell didn’t need any of the clerks to recognize me and give me away. And, the second was that I was already thirsting for much more explicit porn that I could get at Tower (I tried to joke my way into buying a copy of Hustler there once, but to no avail). But, to tie up something from my story about the erotic material that I was able to get from the Sacramento Public Libraries that I mentioned in a previous “chapter,” there was one other order I made that was of interest. That Whole Earth Catalog…or Mother Earth Catalog…I forget the exact title…anyway…that I checked out and eventually stole from the library had a whole bunch of advertisements in it. It was all counterculture, hippy-ish, and “new age” type stuff. This catalog was huge — like the size of a medium-sized town’s telephone book. And, there was a section of it dedicated to sexual matters, both literature and “toys.” One ad in that area had always caught my eye. And, not wanting it to be grabbed by my parents as it came in the mail, I decided to get up the courage to see if I could order it at Tower. This book is somewhat infamous. So, just to be clear, I once again need to digress and give a disclaimer. I accidentally came across some info on this book a few months ago. It is still legal to sell and posses in the United States although you’ll have one fuck of a time getting somebody to sell it to you. Personally, I would not recommend it. And, I no longer have this book. I am telling this story solely as an important part of my search for porn at the age of 16 in my desire to get more things to stimulate my masturbation sessions. Anyway… The book that I was seeking was titled, Show Me. It was put together by some Scandinavian (or was it German?) psychologist (or some doctor of that sort) in order to teach children about where babies come from and sex in general. However, unlike “The Pink Book” that I talked about in parts one and two of my story, there were no sterile drawings or flabby explanations. The book was filled with photographs. And, while they were in black and white, they were clear and totally graphic. The truly big deal about all of this is that it had nude pictures of people my age and younger, and the photos showed them in a minor way (no pun intended) discovering themselves sexually. The word “astounding” could be applied in many ways at this point, starting with the fact that Tower Books actually ordered this book for me and let me take it home. While I certainly did get highly aroused and masturbated furiously to Show Me, what really got me was the attitude…the openness…the lack of shame…the offering of full truth. It sure as hell made me wonder why we live the way that we do in America where I had to hide the fact that I had a boner almost 24/7 and that I had to totally hide my need to masturbate and my want to see nude women. POST OFFICE Having already had the embarrassing failure involving my previously mentioned attempt to have Playboy mailed to my home, I still sought a way to be able to get more porn into my hands. Not long after getting my driver’s license, I had to go to our local post office to mail a package for my mother. After years of never having paid much attention to them, it suddenly dawned on me…all those rows upon rows of post office boxes…my own personal mail drop that I and only I could access! The ones in this post office were perfect because they were old and opened with a combination lock…not even a key to be noticed by my parents! And, they were cheap! I thought that they would cost like a couple of hundred dollars to rent. When I casually asked the clerk about it and she said it was only about $35 for six months…well, sign me up! Oddly enough, I didn’t go for an obvious choice right off the bat. I had something more special in mind, and in hand. One day, in the big field that separated my high school from my old junior high school, I happened to notice a bunch of torn up paper. As I got closer, I saw that it was a porno magazine called Adam. I recognized that name because I had discovered a couple of copies of Adam along with all of my father’s Playboys (this was once I got full access to the previously mentioned boxes). But, my dad’s Adams were from the late 1960’s and were extremely tame. What I was seeing here was a far cry from those older days…very explicit, full color, and even some simulated sex acts. The magazine was far too thrashed to even think about taking home…except for one very important part — the subscription card! Once I had my post office box, I dug through my old toy chest (which was now my main porn stash area) and found that card that I had put away. I filled it out, put a stamp on it, and mailed it off. Then, it was worse than waiting for Christmas. In the days before widespread use of computers (much less the Internet), it took for freakin’ ever for my first issue to arrive! It took so many weeks that I started to get scared thinking that they somehow looked me up, found out that I was only 16, and were going to rat me out to my parents any day. Then, one hot September day after my junior year in high school had started, I opened my box, peered in, and saw a big, brown envelope. I opened it just a little bit and saw the word “Adam” across the top. Both extreme joy and fear ran through my heart. Would this be when the US Post Office Porn Police come out of the woodwork and arrest me for having porn? I scooted out of there quick, screeched out of the parking lot in my father’s ’81 Pontiac Grand Prix like I was Richard Petty and made a beeline for home. One great thing I immediately found out was that schoolbooks finally came to good use…they were the perfect size in which to hide a porn mag in order to get it discreetly into the house. :-) This was extremely exciting to me…to have been able to get my own porn magazine without stealing it, to have something more explicit than Playboy, and to now be able to look at it close up, taking my time, all while slicking up my cock with that infamous vitamin E cream and stroking away. The first look didn’t last very long, though. As you may remember from Part 3, my first ejaculation came while looking at a nude oriental woman.* I had developed a little Asian fetish because of that. And, the first major layout in this issue of Adam featured an extremely beautiful oriental woman with short-ish curly hair, very nice breasts, and… ADDENDUM 2008.12.07: As previously noted elsewhere, that “oriental woman” to whom I first ejaculated was not oriental as I discovered upon getting my hands on that particular issue of Penthouse again earlier this year. However, she still bore a striking resemblance to a very pale Asian girl over whom I had a masturbation crush while in high school. I turned a page and there she was…taking up both pages…lying back, looking straight at me with her legs open in a very welcoming way and her pussy lips slightly spread open. Penthouse had been graphic, but never like this and never so clear! Penthouse of those days always looked like the pictures were taken in London on a foggy day. This shit in Adam was clear as a bell and right in my face! Well, looking at that picture for just a few seconds did it. I usually knew well in advance when I was going to explode, but not this time. Mere moments after turning that page to see this thing of utter erotic beauty, I said, “Oh, god,” and let forth one of the most powerful spews of semen that I think I have ever had erupt out of my penis. The first shot went over my head and hit the wall behind me, and the rest just totally covered my chest, belly, and pubic hair with my thick, 16-year-old- boy cum. It was such a great feeling that I didn’t even worry too much about getting cum on my wall. It took about seven or eight minutes before I could finally get up to clean myself up and the scrub off the wall. The rest of that night was great. I ejaculated five more times that evening looking at that issue of Adam before I finally went to sleep. That post office box was a great source of joy over the next two years. I got all kinds of stuff in there that I wasn’t supposed to at that age. I didn’t order any other subscriptions because they were too expensive and difficult to maintain for me at that time. However, I got a lot of free catalogs and spent my Christmas and birthday money on one-time items, including my first artificial vagina. FIRST ADULT BOOKSTORE Having the freedom to drive by myself meant that I could truly look around at everything along the road without my parents noticing what I was looking at. As you might imagine, this included adult bookstores. Even with my father’s main porn stash plus my post office box, I still hungered for more “grown up” excitement and more porn. I didn’t have a full idea of what all I would find in an adult bookstore, but I eventually found it irresistible to not wait until I was 18 to find out. So, after having scoped it out several times to see if I could make a quick exit out of the parking lot if I had to run out of there, I picked a store that was near McClellan Air Force Base. My thought was that my youthful appearance might get by in there since there were so many young looking men in the Air Force. My heart was beating extremely fast as I parked my car and walked in. It was something that I will never forget — a huge store filled with nothing but porn mags, movies, and a whole bunch of stuff that I didn’t know what it was. The place had a certain smell, too — something that I would come to love in later years and dearly miss today. It kind of reminded me of my own sperm, yet it was different, somewhat sweeter. It would only be later that I would find out that it was a combination of semen and industrial cleanser. But, for now, that dark area in the back of the store was a bit of a mystery to me. After looking around for a few minutes, I saw the signs about tokens to see movies in the back. I bought some and went into what confused me a bit at first. Once I stumbled around and figured out that I was supposed to go into one of the booths, I put in my tokens and was amazed…several channels of porn, all showing extremely graphic action including cumshots! This was too much for me because I couldn’t figure out how guys could watch these and not masturbate right then and there! Little did I know that was what one was supposed to do in them. So, I adjusted my pants as best as I could so my dick wouldn’t totally be pitching a tent in my jeans, and I grabbed a couple of hardcore magazines. They sold them to me, no questions asked — never asked for my ID or anything. As I found out, this was by no means the only adult bookstore in Sacramento that didn’t “card” people in order to come in. FIRST ADULT MOVIE THEATER The early 1980’s were still a time when not everybody had moved into the era of the VCR. So, there were still adult movie theaters all over the country. There was even a chain of them…the Pussycat. There was even a drive-in theater west of town that showed adult movies, and their ads were listed in the Sacramento Bee newspaper along with all of the regular movie theaters. I always wanted to see one of these, and I again got brave and took a chance. My parents had gone out of town for a weekend, so I thought I would try to get into a really small adult movie theater near my house. It had once been a regular movie palace, but it had lost that business to the big indoor six-screener in our local mall. Now, I had heard that “bad things” went on in adult movie theaters, so I was a bit hesitant to go through with this even if I was let in. So, I decided to sit very close to a door or a light. They did indeed let me in. Here I was, still shy of my 17th birthday, sitting in a movie theater watching glorious full color explicit porn on a big movie screen. It was heaven except for one thing — I didn’t think I could get away with masturbating in there. Once I realized that it was pretty safe (as far as the other customers went), I thought about moving to a darker area of the theater and maybe trying to stroke myself inside my pants. But, I was too scared to do it. After enjoying the film which had such old school stars as Juliet “Aunt Peg” Anderson, Sharon Mitchell, and Seka in it, I couldn’t get home fast enough to whip out my cock and stroke out a huge load thinking about what I had just seen. If only I could find a place that would rent adult videos to me without a credit card so that I could properly enjoy them in the privacy and comfort of my own home… FIRST ADULT VIDEO RENTAL Still in the days before stores like Blockbuster, Hollywood Video, and others hogged up the rental market, it was often a chore to find an outlet that had a movie one wanted to watch. So, I would often go with my parents to various video stores all over Sacramento as they searched for something that they wanted to see. Sometime just after I turned 17, we were in one where they did not ask my mother for a credit card. And, like many small video stores even today, they had a back room partitioned off with a curtain where all of the porn was kept. Again on another long weekend where my parents went off to Reno or some other place, I drove down there one night, set up an account, and rented what looked like would be three good porn movies. Again, they did not ask for any ID. Can you imagine that these days? Anyway, I picked out a “regular” porn movie (you know, one pretending to have a plot), one called 1001 Cumshots, and another one of all Asian women. I ended up whizzing through most of the “regular” movie and found that all of the previews with all of the cumshots were better than the movie itself. Then I put in 1001 Cumshots. I didn’t last more than five minutes through that one. No plot, no bullshit; just cocks spewing out load after load on pretty lady after pretty lady. It was porn at its most perfect. I damn near rubbed myself raw and dry over that one, and only got in the Asian video just before I had to return the movies before my folks came home. FIRST REAL ADULT ARCADE EXPERIENCE Over time, it became my mission to visit every adult bookstore in or anywhere near Sacramento, comparing each one as to who had the best porn and the best prices. I had already started learning that a lot of porn looked great on the outside but was boring on the inside, and I was already becoming a fussy connoisseur and a pretty decent judge of what would give me the best bang for my buck. As I visited all of these stores, those that had arcades still intrigued me even though I still did not know that men actually masturbated in there. Somewhere, I had picked up on the fact that the police would occasionally patrol these booths and arrest people engaging in “illicit acts.” I had taken a liking to a store just west of downtown and, as I would do occasionally even though I wasn’t masturbating in them, I got some tokens to watch some movies. This was the first time I went into this particular arcade, and I immediately noticed that it was different. The sperm-like smell being much stronger hit me almost immediately, and I found that very exciting. The doors in this one were made of a very thin wood, and some of them had small holes in them. I also noticed that there were paper towel dispensers here and there along the walls and that a lot of them were wadded up on the floor. I selected a booth, and that’s where the revelation came. I could clearly tell that somebody had shot off on the screen. It was just the dried-up outer edges of somebody’s cum, but it was unmistakable cum. Then, I happened to look down in one of the corners of the booth and I saw a big white pool of semen. On one hand, I was wary. I certainly didn’t want to catch anything from this wad of cum that came out of somebody I didn’t know (remembering that this was around the time of the first reports about AIDS). On the other hand, I was extremely excited. Even though I didn’t have the time to stay much longer on this day, I knew that I finally had found a place where I could go to jack off to moving porn even when my parents were home. I wasn’t able to get back down there for another couple of weeks. But, when I did, I bought a fuckload of tokens. I was still wary of the other men in there and always tried to get a booth at or near the end as well as one that didn’t have any holes in it. On the latter count, I was thinking that was how police saw you and busted you. It would not be until I went to college that I would finally put all of the pieces together of the full scope of what all went on in adult video arcades. As for the rest of my time in Sacramento before going to college…I’ll just say that I bet they noticed a significant increase in the number of paper towels that were being used. ;-) THE FINAL BUST During all of this time between 16 and 18, all of the magazines, movies, and arcades were still not enough to satisfy my curiosity. I was needing more new porn all of the time. While I had almost full access to all of my father’s old Playboys and such, I had accidentally stumbled upon another stash that he had in his bedroom. This also included his briefcase in which I found some things that were as troubling as they were exciting. This included some books that I won’t discuss, but also some naughty “newspapers” — the kind with advertisements from naughty ladies looking for hookups in exchange for cash. There were times that I really considered outing him to my mother with that stuff, especially when he was treating me like total shit with almost constant verbal abuse. But, to show you how deep my addiction already was at 17, I chose being able to sneak looks at his porn rather than getting him busted by my mother. One time, in his briefcase, I found a very hardcore magazine. I got to masturbate over that one several times before it disappeared. Then, one day, that magazine appeared in his boxes of Playboys upstairs! I liked that magazine so much that I temporarily moved it to one of my many porn stash places — a drawer underneath a big clothes cabinet that I rarely used and had nothing of interest to my parents in it…or, so I thought. For whatever reason, my father got a wild hair up his ass that he had to look over this cabinet. He wasn’t being nosy or trying to do a search — he just got that oddball yearning that there was something about it that he needed to change or work on. And, he inevitably opened the drawer and saw that magazine lying in there. Man, was he pissed! He first started giving me this lecture about how these types of hardcore magazines were far worse than Playboy in how they portray an unrealistic view of women and real sex (to which I was already saying to him in my head, “No shit, Sherlock?” — I liked porn but was already well aware even at that young age that real sex was usually not accompanied by the words, “Cum on my face you hot love stallion!”). But then, the worst thing came. He asked me where I got the magazine! For once, I told him the truth that I got it out of his boxes of Playboys (leaving out the part that I had already seen it in his briefcase). Now he was really pissed! He flatly denied it and continued to press me on where I got the magazine. I kept telling him over and over again (now through tears) that I had gotten it out of his own boxes and he kept on denying it and calling me a liar. I was again on the verge of totally outing him to my mother who would have divorced him almost on the spot. But, on the other hand, I had two other things in mind. First of all, I was so close to getting out of the house and being hundreds of miles away from my parents where I could finally do whatever I wanted; so I didn’t want to blow that by splitting up the family and possibly ruining being able to go to a far away university. And, secondly, in retrospect, I think that I held out some kind of hope that he would show some kind of understanding and remembrance for what it was like to be 17, horny all of the time, and that maybe he would give at least an underhanded OK that masturbation and the desire to have sex was not a bad thing. But, of course, it never came (no pun intended). And, those remaining months before I left for college got worse and worse as I got picked on and derided by both of my parents for the most trivial of things every day (stuff well beyond the normal things that teenagers need to be picked on about in order to become adults). It got so bad and I became so distraught and confused that I began to throw away most of the porn that I had collected myself. I was never able to get rid of it all, and I hope that they both almost had heart attacks when they moved back east while I was still in college and saw what all I still had left in my old toy chest. Ah, yes…yet another bummer part of the story again. I hate to do that to you all, but it is what it is. Since I took it upon myself to write this stuff in such great detail for you all, I can’t leave out the bad stuff. But, as always, it leads to some good. In the storyline, this time, the good will have to wait until the next “chapter” of this story. As for the present… As some of you might be able to tell, I have a great desire to share my story. And, as I have mentioned here before, this is the first place where I have felt comfortable enough to share my love of masturbation and how I got from those days in the past to where I am today…and loving it. It is arousing for me to finally have an avenue in which to share this stuff, but it is also extremely liberating. This is especially true knowing that so many of you out there have had your own struggles coming to Onania whether the be similar to mine or different, whether your fantasies are mainly straight or gay, or whether you are stuck on porn or your own cock. Even though I am fully aware that only a very few of you will have made it all the way down to this part of my epic-length story after having read every single word, it is all still worth it to me. Thank you for sharing with this me. Each of your replies and direct e-mails are much appreciated and very welcome. See also the primary source for this article on the author’s blog