Captive’s Log – totaladdict – Onania Masturbator Forum

by totaladdict » Wed Mar 29, 2023 12:01 am

I love finding other people addicted to porn like me. I love the messages I get from the really dirty ones. The ones who start off like everyone else, vanilla porn. Maybe you started with Sears catalogs? Maybe it was a relative’s collection? However you got it, you did. Hooked from the start. Why else would you be reading this? My ever expanding and deepening porn tastes started in 1987. I was forever more, to this day, a total addict. I have never been able to get in enough porn and edging masturbation. For me it was definitely the porn that got me into masturbation, and not the other way around. Even though I had earlier sexual experience, I just played with my cock to no known end result. So for thirty six of my forty three years, I have had this super secret and incrementally escalating hunger and capacity for porn. My first exposure to porn unfolded over a span of several hours, incredibly aroused the entire time, so one could say that I learned edging from the beginning.

I used to feel such guilt for it, with being devoutly religious at the time, all the way through my Christian K-12 and Master’s of Divinity, as I intended to become a pastor or theology teacher at the time. I would try to resist. After some set of years I would be consumed by the guilt and worry of hiding (it got difficult when it was entirely physical) so much volume, and would throw it out, rededicate myself to the one true God–vowing that this was the last time I would backslide into sin again. Never worked. Never even got close to working. Within a day, or days, or weeks, or months, my incredible craving for porn would consume me, and I would find a way to get it. Those inevitable relapses were so highly charged with eroticism that I would often be shaking with anticipation once my will to resist snapped. I remember when I first went to bible college, I went to the effort of compromising the school’s net with network cable pulled night after night through the ceiling tiles, down the dorm hallway, to an unsecured port elsewhere in the building. Could have easily been caught, but I had to have it. As the initial softcore Sears magazines were eclipsed (by things like the first pornography I got the pleasure of being exposed to, which let me knew it got much better than what I had to substitute) by better, more hardcore magazines like Forum, Penthouse, Playboy, Gents, Just 18, Score, and the like. Soon the dialup Internet came around when I was 13 or so. It didn’t take a week until I found excellent porn of all varieties on Usenet/NNTP. Like this, but tens of hundreds of thousands of users at the time–the forums of yor. I remember the first series of pictures I ever downloaded was called hardcore cumshots which was entirely made of women with their faces covered in cum. When I learned how to use Usenet services I was exposed to another level of hardcore, and the slow ratchet of kinks went up again. All of filthy genres, kinks, and fetishes. I first discovered ASSTR there and was hooked reading those perverted stories, which opened my eyes to another ratcheting of my invisibly escalating porn addiction. All the way to today. An ever deepening and abiding love for pornography.

by totaladdict » Sun Apr 02, 2023 9:52 pm

Finally back to my hotel from work. I am a remote paramedic, so I spend the entirety of my days alone inside an idling truck while work happens somewhere around me. Unless something happens which requires my kind of attention, I am absolutely free to do whatever I want. I have a fairly decent gaming laptop, so I watch shows, movies, education stuff, read, play games, and of course, pornography.

For the vast majority of my work days I abstain from the risk of consuming porn at work. It is possible, even if remotely, that someone could approach my truck from an angle I hadn’t been paying attention to at the time. For instance, one time at work I had stayed in the field an hour past the last check-out (I keep track of who is on the project so nobody gets left behind), so I figured I was in the clear. However, one person that had checked out earlier via radio had stayed in the field to work on their machine. I had my laptop open perched on the space between the windshield at the trucks console/steering wheel. My pants were down around my ankles, I was leaned way back, cock out, watching pornography. Suddenly I saw headlights coming into view at short range, so I pulled the laptop down and placed it on my lap, covering my groin. I didn’t have the time necessary to pull my pants up however. The machine operator pulled up to have a totally friendly co-worker chat about this or that. So there I am, with his driver side window down, same as me, feet apart. I couldn’t get the video to stop making noise, so I just had enough time to mute all audio via keyboard. Just. In. Time.

Today, I couldn’t resist. Just had to look at porn, which led me to my last post. I was so porn hungry today that I risked my job for my addiction. The very thought arouses me–that my 35 years of porn addiction have led me to this incredible space where I just get to be who I’ve always been all along: an extreme porn addict.

The project is done, so I can stay up as late as I want tonight. Knowing that it was over had me lusting for porn all day because it means that now, at the first possible moment where sleeping isn’t a factor, I am going to have a pornographic edge all night long.

by totaladdict » Thu Apr 13, 2023 1:21 am

Been chatting with other gooners, pornography, and masturbation addicts lately. I love sharing my pornosexuality with others. I like watching porn addiction hypnos with other gooners with their cocks and pussies out. I like knowing that other masturbators are actively edging to the same pornography as me. Something about having a bate-brother or sister is just lovely.

I really started edging hard during my mid-teens, once Internet porn was really on the rise. I would edge for days, saving up my load. I loved to see how far my edged out and stored up cumshots would fly. I could sometimes hit the opposite wall of a large bedroom–20 feet at least. I’m not even kidding. There were a few cum stains on the ceiling in my room once the computer got moved there for a little while. I remember being with friends over and feeling an overwhelming desire to lure them into pornography like me so I could share the incredible rush with someone else.

I am exceedingly jealous of my alone time after a life-time of edging my life away at every possible moment. And if I am not actively consuming and being consumed by porn, feeding and deepening my wonderful impossible-to-break porn addiction, I am thinking about it. But still, one of the things to do on my bucket list is to find someone as addicted to porn as myself sitting right next to me while we both indulge for hours and hours and weeks and weeks. Getting to know them and their triggers. Edging and edging. Fleshlights. Dildos. Vibes. E-stim. Fuck dolls. AI. Whatever the world of masturbation has to offer, sinking into it and experiencing it all.

Feel free to HMU on Discord: totaladdict101

by totaladdict » Fri Apr 14, 2023 3:09 am

Today was the day I decided it was time to buy another fleshlight to replace the old one. The one I have now is starting to develop fissures that might lead to a lube-leak being sprung which makes economical lube use problematic. I went to the place I usually buy fleshlights from today but they were closed. I was looking forward to heading straight to the fleshlight section and picking up a could new ones. I liked the fact that I would be one of those buyers that comes in clearing knowing what they want. It turned me on to know that the clerk would put two and two together and realize that my quick shopping excursion meant that I knew what I wanted, and the fact that I bought two meant that I was at least a fan of fleshlights (and by relation, porn and masturbation). Since they were closed I went to another place in town. There was a woman minding the till when I came in around my age at the next stop. It instantly turned me on to be in a place that sells sex toys to masturbators with a woman in the same shop with me. She must have seen me scanning the shelves looking for something. They didn’t have any fleshlights to buy, but I was intrigued and turned on by the idea of buying something else in the shop: a voluptuous torso fuck doll. Just huge tits and an ass and pussy to fuck into, with the limbs and head truncated. The idea of walking up to this woman with such a toy turned me on greatly and I may return tomorrow to purchase it as well as the fleshlight from the normal location. It turns me on to buy a torso toy from a women who will know for a certainty that I am a masturbator, probably addicted to pornography. She will know that I probably spend a large portion of my time jerking off to porn, and she will be absolutely right.

by totaladdict » Mon Apr 17, 2023 1:30 am

I finally finished a long winter’s work on Apr 2,2023. I booked a hotel for two nights before my flight home. I added days to my flight time and stayed in a hotel near the airport. I couldn’t stand the idea of waiting a second longer to get back into a situation where I could goon all night again. I had been stationed on a remote, Northern work site for the last 5 months–no real space, what with paper thin walls in the dorms. Could hear someone yawn in some locations at night. I stayed up all night for about 8 or 9 hours on the the night of the 2nd, and then around the same on the 3d, and on the 4th I got home and went for over 12 hours. If I had to guess, the average is 9 hours a night, with the upper being around 11.

I have been masturbating to stories, articles, videos, audios for the last four days or so. They are all about pornography addiction and/or chronic masturbation. How to quit. Confessions about how it all started for them: ever had a chance for a normal life-Porn ruined me,,,Hlep pls. It turns me on knowing that for the vast, overwhelming majority of the people who post/discuss their struggles with pornography will relapse sooner or later. Most who are just at the start of their journey into becoming chronic pornosexuals have no idea what their future will look like if their addiction stays as it is, let alone grow as self-aware pornosexuals. Countless relapses on a decades-long battle with their addictions. No idea that eventually their pornography addiction, and those of others, will be an immensely arousing thought.

Which got me to thinking that it would be extremely easy and arousing to confess how fucking addicted I am. I would follow their rules and just see what happens.

So on a whim, I sought out a religiously mediated porn addiction service, and landed at I want to document my reaction as I follow their steps toward total porn addict free.

Unread post by totaladdict » Thu May 18, 2023 2:11 pm

Went shopping today. I think this is Fleshlight number 14 for me. I started buying them around 2003. It greatly increased the amount of time I spend on the edge during my nightly porn marathons. There have been times where I have been on the edge nearly continuously for hours at a time in a row during some of the longer 10+ edging sessions. Sometimes I am so close I have to keep the Fleshlight off my cock for several minutes at a time–even brushing my Fleshlight over my shaft would make me cum–which is a nice place for a Pornosexual like me to be.

I like buying them in person so that I can been seen publicly as a chronic masturbation addict, and by inference, a porn addict. Being known as a porn addict makes me hard. The customer agent at the sex shop was knowledgeable, and asked me if she could help me find something. I was glancing around while she asked, and I just said, “I’m not sure yet, but I will let you know in a bit.” I located the male sex toy section and she piped up when she saw that I had zeroed in on my interest: “Ah! You want a masturbator?” I felt that familiar feeling when she said that word. The obvious implication being that I am a masturbator, which I am. My cock lengthened down my pants a little bit, and I replied that I was. I played a bit dumb, and she ran through the options. I knew I wanted a Fleshlight for their known build quality, but being shown the options by a woman was nice, so I let her continue. When she got to the Fleshlights at the end, she explained the differences between them and gave me a little finger sample so I could feel the texture. I gave it a feel and said that I was very familiar. I then told her that I had worn through over a dozen over the years, with other manufacturers now and again, but Fleshlights were the only device that could last a long time. She arched her eyebrows and chuckled. Now I must wait for nightfall when I am free and clear to enjoy a nice long edging pornography session.

by totaladdict » Mon Jul 03, 2023 4:19 am

The woman I was with recently was an amazing woman. An accomplished engineer and artist. A free spirit who does weird cosplay events and the like. A nerd’s nerd. She is my kind of human, let alone woman. I do no discriminate girlfriends based on their appearance. This does not appear to be standard thing, but I do not. What matters most to me is how we get along. How we vibe together. Looks are tertiary at best. My most recent girlfriend and I met online, so i didn’t know what she looked like aside from her user icon, which I thought was someone else(too pretty to be real). She is an engineer in CA, an artist, musician, cosplayer, nerd, etc. We became friends and talked on the phone, then eventually fell in love. We met on webcam and I saw her gorgeous face for the first time. Amazing. Turned out she had done modelling work. We eventually met at an airport. I almost embarrassed myself by getting a semi when I saw her. There are few things that really captivate me about the female form, but breasts are one of them. She had, I was to learn, 32 or 34K cups. That’s the same size as Chloe Vevrier( It has been a bucket list item of mine to see breasts exactly like hers for a very long time–decades now. That night at our hotel, I not only got to see beasts like that but I was given every opportunity to worship them. Our relationship lasted around a year, and we only separated because of the magnitude of the logistical problems with maintaining a relationship that far apart. I actually found that being with a woman who was my porn fantasy made porn rather necessary. When she wore anything, whether it was a sweater, tee shirt, dress, bikini, it was all sexy as hell, as there was no way to hide or soften just how massive her breasts are. Cuddled under my arm while watching Star Trek together was one of my favourite things, because almost no matter what she wore, there was ample cleavage to lovingly gaze at. She was not shy or modest either, and loved to wear clothing that accentuated her breasts. I will be forever grateful we were together, not only because I genuinely loved her, but because she made a fantasy of mine come true.


Source: (14) Captive’s Log – totaladdict – Page 14 – Onania Masturbator Forum

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