The Declaration of Masturbation
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the social bands, which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the masturbation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed — hopefully, WELL endowed — by their Creator, with certain Inalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of stroking their own penis.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of Onania, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Masturbators; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to their wives, their ex-wives, and their former other assorted concubines, and that all physical erection between them and the State of Arousal, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Masturbators, they have full Power to look at naked Whores, self-stimulate themselves in an open can of peas, contract Pornographers, establish Erections, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Masturbators may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Semen.