My wife is extremely unhappy that I have had so little interest in her sexually recently, and I finally confessed to her that I have been masturbating so frequently that I have no interest in intercourwse with her. She is threatening to leave. We have discussed the situation and I convinced her that I really love her, but I can’t control my urge to masturbate. To try to save my marriage I have asked my wife to control both my masturbation activities and my orgasms.
I have agreed not to touch my penis other than during urination unless she allows it and to not orgasm unless she gives me permission to do so. I last orgasmed on Friday night when we had sex, and I am on day 3 without relief. I have masturbated at least once a day for as long as I can remember, and I am feeling extremely horny. I got hard today when I went out to lunch, just from looking at the numerous hot women in the restaurant and on the street. I am hard as I write this…but I am determined to hold out. I am finding the denial of all self-sex activities extremely exciting, and I am experiencing an ongoing feeling of low-level pleasure in my penis at all times. This feeling of low-level arousal might be similar to the feeling a woman once described to me as feeling when she had inserted a bullet vibrator into her vagina and left it in on low. It’s also the feeling that I have when I am edging and my penis goes soft and stays soft–arousal that does not lead to a climax.
I promised my wife that I would be honest if I masturbated and/or orgasmed without her–I will do the same here. This is an effort to save my marriage, so I am determined to succeed. Wish me luck.
…despite my reputation here as they guy that is always encouraging people to give in to their urges, I sincerely wish you the best of luck. A marriage is too important and precious to throw away without some serious effort on the part of both parties to salvage it.
While there is no way to completely turn off your urges and the visuals that stimulate them such as seeing attractive women at lunch, I can offer you some advice that has helped me over recent years to control my urges when it is not appropriate to act upon them.
1. Try as hard as possible to dedicate yourself to your job during your work day. If you find your mind wandering and your penis becoming erect, go look for other employees that might need assistance or ask for a new project or extra duties (if appropriate). Trying to be the best employee possible really helps distract yourself and, if and when you do stumble, makes you still feel OK about yourself as you are still being productive.
2. Try to find some other interests/hobbies you can do at home that require concentration but are still relaxing (as frustration often leads to giving in to one’s urges). Make it something where you have to pay attention and not an activity like reading where the mind can so easily wander. Two of the things that work best for me are playing video games (preferably single-player and graphically-simple ones without any hot babes in them) and working on my mp3 collection. Of course, those might not interest you but there’s plenty of things to take on as a hobby/interest that will help keep the “naughty” side of your brain in check.
3. Don’t beat yourself up mentally if and when when you fail even if this has now come to the point where something extremely important is on the line. Nobody is perfect. As long as you are trying and your “inappropriate” masturbation does not become your regular habit again, feel good inside knowing that you are doing your best and giving it your all to save your marriage.
4. Always remember the “support” part of OnaniaSupport. This group is as great of a resource for “control” as it is for letting it fly. We are always here to listen and advise and there is always somebody here that fully understands what you are feeling.
I hope some of that helps or at least gets you on the path toward thinking about what will work best for you. I hope that others will also contribute to this thread to give their own thoughts and ideas on how to help you achieve the control that you desire.
I really appreciate your advice and support so much! I am going to spend far less time surfing the net at work and focusing more on actual work. I also play the clarinet, which I have not done for a while, but I think it would be a good idea to take it up again–it requires a great deal of focus, but can also be frustrating if I run into a difficult passage.
But the biggest problem seems to be at bedtime because my wife and I have completely different schedules, so I need to go to bed much earlier than she does. As soon as get into bed alone, I invariably start getting aroused and hard (it’s almost like a conditioned response,) and have a nearly uncontrollable urge to pull down the blanket, open my pajama bottoms, and masturbate very slowly fo a long time. (Not only has this affected my marriage, but it has also affected my efficiency and alertness becasue I have not gotten nearly enough sleep for years now.) I was able to control the urges last night, and I am really going to do my best but I know I am not perfect. I think the goal is to not automatically begin masturbating every night in bed alone. If I slip occasionally, like you point out, no one is superhuman or perfect, but I am determined to break the conditioning.
Thanks so much for your support,